


This Bitter Earth

by Akoya8



Series: On the Nature of a Bitter Earth [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alone in the World, Character Death, Depression, Dumbledore Bashing, Gen, Magic, Manipulation, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, anger issues, canon violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:19:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 7,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akoya8/pseuds/Akoya8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Severus' fight with Lily, he must soldier on alone. He makes bad choices, fights for redemption, and eventually embraces his necessary end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Knowledge

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. That honor goes to the marvelous J.K. Rowling. 
> 
> Author's Note: Follow to "On the Nature of Daylight." This is the result of a Lit project I did a few years ago. There are some quotes from the books in my fic, you will know them by the guise they wear (Italics with quotations marks).

He knew the instant he saw her face. He’d known her for years and she was incapable of hiding all of her emotions from him.

He saw the almost-smile pass over her lips and light up her eyes when Potter had cast _Levicorpus_ on him.

_Of course, it would be Potter wouldn’t it? The one person that engenders as much hate in me as Sirius Black and she – she had to go and become infatuated with him._

That’s what did it really, that brief look of happiness over his humiliation. That’s what made him say it.

_“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!_ ”

_Oh Merlin, Lily!_


	2. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

He didn’t mean to do it. It had just slipped out, and before he knew it, the words were hanging in the air for all to hear. ‘Mudblood.’ The word that he despised, the word that he didn’t mean, but had used anyway.

But Lily, she was going to hate him now and forever. She hated that word more than he did, and he couldn’t blame her. Things were heating up now after all, and there were whispers in the common room that He would soon be prowling among the Slytherins for recruits.

If that happened, he knew he would have no choice but to join. He owed his continued existence to Lucius Malfoy, and Malfoy always called in his debts.

And he, Severus, being the brilliant Potions and Dark Arts prodigy that he was, would be put forth as a candidate above the rest. And now he had sealed his fate.

‘Mudblood.’

And before he could scream out his apology for the whole school to hear she turned away. Lily. He barely noticed it when Potter used his own spell against him for the second time. It didn’t matter anymore that she had told one of her friends about the spell. And maybe, just maybe, if he let Potter humiliate him a bit more, she would forgive him. Maybe. Hopefully.

But…probably not.


	3. Bad Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

He went to Him the day they married. Up until that point he had held a small measure of hope that she would come to her senses and leave Potter. But she didn’t.

He’d seen the announcement in the _Daily Prophet_ , and for the first time he went to the pub and got smashed. And to make matters worse, he woke up the following morning in a strange room with a broken nose and no memory of the night before, just the hazy notion that he had done something that he would probably come to regret.

But this…this was far worse. That day, today in fact, still tore at his heart as he prostrated himself before the nearly god-like being that wanted Severus to call him ‘Master.’ And as he swore his allegiance, the only thing he could think was, _I’m going to get you back Lily, even if I have to kill him, I’ll get you back!_


	4. Dark Revelry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.

Severus had heard the stories long before he had joined. But the stories couldn’t compare to the reality of what he was doing. And the worst part of it was the fact that he wasn’t being forced.

He chose to answer his Master’s summons and he chose to brew the poisons and he chose to teach his fellow Death Eaters the spells that he had created. He chose. And he chose to be at this particular house that night.

It was some Muggle’s house in Shropshire county, and it was unknown to Severus (as it was surely unknown to his brethren) as to why this Muggle needed to be made an example of, but he was there anyway.

And it was he who cast the curse that broke down the door, and as the Muggle rushed through his house trying to find something, anything, that he could use to defend himself, it was Severus who cast the Immobilizing Hex.

And it was Severus who Levitated the body outside. And it was Severus who strung him up in the air with a motion of his wand and words that no one could hear.And it was Severus who let the other Death Eaters take shots at the Muggle while he held him in the air.

And as they were leaving, their dark revelry done for the night, it was Severus who cast their Lord’s Mark into the air. And it was Severus, who upon his arrival to his house, heaved until his stomach was barren and could produce nothing more.

And it was Severus who lay shaking on the floor, covered in his own filth, until he finally lost consciousness.


	5. Eavesdropping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Mine! No, it's not. *sigh*

When the Dark Lord had ordered him to follow Dumbledore to his destination tonight, this was not the place that he had thought Dumbledore would go. _I’d thought he would go to a more sophisticated establishment to indulge in his peculiarities_ , was the derisive thought that flitted through Severus’ mind and nearly escaped his mouth, but he caught it before it did.

His Master did not want him to be seen or heard, so he would not be. As Severus stood outside the door and listened to the conversation going on behind it, the sneer on his face grew even more pronounced. _Why would Dumbledore be interviewing this two-bit hack for any position at Hogwarts? Everyone knows that Divination is full of smoke and mirrors!_

Then he heard it, a voice that was too deep and harsh to belong to Dumbledore, but what was it saying? He strained to hear the words, and as he did the sneer dropped from his face and his eyes grew wide with fear. _Did the Dark Lord know that this is what I would be hearing tonight!_

But even as he was straining to hear more, the cloth at the back of his neck was grabbed by a hand too strong to break free from, and he was dragged into the room to face Dumbledore and the bug-eyed woman who was with him.

The barman shook him roughly and yelled in his ear, “And look at what we ‘ave ‘ere, Dumbledore! A sneaking, greasy, snooping bastard!”

Severus knew a moment of fear when Dumbledore’s bright blue eyes examined him, but he had long practiced keeping his shields in place when faced with a powerful Legilimens, and so Dumbledore could see nothing.

“Like hell I was! I only came up the wrong stairs, and this dump is bloody well confusing I’ll have you know!”

It was a feeble excuse at best, and all the occupants of the room (with the possible exception of the pseudo-Seer who still looked drained from her foray into the future) knew it.

But it was still the best chance he had of getting out of the pub with his bollocks still intact, and he was well aware that the barman was just itching to have a go at him. “Let him go, Aberforth,” said Dumbledore with an air of resignation, “If he heard nothing then he knows nothing, and if he heard Sybill…well, I am sure we will be made aware of it soon enough.”

The barman reluctantly let go of Severus, “Yer a lucky one this time!”

Severus raced out of the room, made his way through the bar, and out into Hogsmeade.

 _The Dark Lord must hear of this now, I’ve no choice but to go to him_!

And so Severus turned and disappeared.


	6. Muttering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: *waves magic wand* Nope, still not mine.

_I am not capable of guaranteeing her safety, and the Dark Lord has been unusually evasive about the subject. But who can I go to? Who would believe me?_

The dark figure paced across the threadbare rug that lay sullenly before the fireplace. The past few months had been even more trying than the ones before, and the strain clearly showed on Severus’ face.

“I must protect her! I must! But who….” Severus kept muttering and kept pacing, still no closer to an answer than he had been when he started. “I can’t, but I must! If he kills me on sight I’ll deserve it, but maybe he’ll hear me out! He must hear me out!”

Decision made, Severus practically flew to his writing desk and composed a short message:

_I have information you need, and you can have it for a price. -S.S._

He tied the message to the leg of his owl and then watched her dark form fade into the night.

“Fly faster, you old bird, I need an answer tonight!”


	7. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: *mopes* Still not mine.

_Well, I’m still alive, but judging from the look on Dumbeldore’s face, death might not be far off._

“I told you, Dumbledore, _anything_. I will give you anything you want in return for her–their safety.”

He could see the old wizard turning the proposition over in his mind, and Severus was again aware of the fact that the only wizard in the world that posed any threat to the Dark Lord was standing in front of him.

“‘Anything’ is quite a broad term, Severus. Are you sure you want me to interpret it in a manner of my choosing?”

_Sly old bastard, should have been in Slytherin._

His thoughts must have slipped past his barrier and showed on his face because Dumbledore reacted to his expression, “As you will find, Severus, if you have the opportunity to grow older, we tend to pick up some of the traits that we believe belong only to a certain kind of people. And as you have been silent on the matter I will take you at your word. Here is what I require of you in return for the protection of Lily, James, and their young son Harry: you will spy for the Order of the Phoenix until the time that the threat of Voldemort and his followers is no longer in this world. Do you swear?”

_By all the gods and their hells! Spy on the Dark Lord? But I must, she must be protected, and if the Dark Lord can’t promise me that, then I have no choice._

“I swear. Would you like me to make the Unbreakable Vow, or will my word be enough?”

“Since it is highly probable that you will have to tell your master some of this conversation in order to prove that you are doing this for him, then I would rather not bring someone else into this discussion. Your word will be enough, and remember, Severus, I will always hold you to it.”

And with that Dumbledore turned and Apparated away. Severus slumped to the ground in relief.

_She will be safe. I may not trust Dumbledore but I can trust in his ability to keep her safe. Lily._


	8. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

There was not a single glass object within his reach that wasn’t broken. The whole downstairs of his house had felt his rage. Even the precious books that he had scrimped and saved to buy were not exempt from his sorrowful wrath.

“YOU PROMISED ME, DUMBLEDORE! YOU PROMISED THAT SHE WOULD BE SAFE! I SWEAR BY ALL THE GODS THAT I WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS!”

And suddenly, the room was empty.

Severus reappeared outside the gates of Hogwarts and made his way up to the castle. His entire body was vibrating with the rage and anguish that he felt and he swore that, before he left, Dumbledore would feel some of the agony that he was in.

Then, all of a sudden, he was before the entrance to Dumbledore’s office, and perhaps the old man really was omniscient, for the gargoyles sprang apart without him having to utter a word. _Or perhaps he had the good sense to tell them to let me in when I arrived_ , thought Severus as he climbed the winding stairs. _It would not have gone well for them if I had had to force my way in_.

The old wizard was sitting calmly behind his desk, as if nothing untoward at all had happened that night. Only his eyes belied the sorrow that he too must have been feeling.

“Sit down, Severus, please.”

The use of the word ‘please’ caught Severus’ attention, and the anger that had brought him to Hogwarts was abruptly drained. _“I thought…you were going…to keep her…safe…”_

They spoke for what felt like hours, or Dumbledore spoke and Severus listened. Dumbledore wasn’t convinced that the Dark Lord was gone forever, a wizard that powerful was sure to leave some remnant behind, and when it reappeared they must be prepared.

“Don’t you see, Severus, you must protect Harry Potter! The pro-” Dumbledore cut himself off before he could continue, and Severus raised his head and looked Dumbledore squarely in the eyes.

“What I must do is this, Dumbledore: I will protect the boy, for Lily. But do not think that I have forgotten your failure tonight. Whatever you may say, it was your fault that she died. I don’t know what you could have done to save her, but I do know that when He breached the barriers protecting the house, YOU should have been there to stop him. And you weren’t. No one will ever know that truth as I know it, and know this, Dumbledore, I will kill you one day for allowing her to die. For not deeming her life important enough to save, you will die.”

Dumbledore looked stricken at Severus’ words, as if he had not imagined that what had happened that night was in any way his fault.

“Severus…”

But Severus had already gotten up to leave. He was uninterested in hearing whatever platitudes Dumbledore would attempt to press upon him.

“I gave you my word, Dumbledore, and I will not break it. As long as you believe that our world is endangered by Voldemort, I will act as your man. But the instant that you believe our world is safe is the moment in which you die.”


	9. Sins of the Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

He couldn’t believe his eyes. It was Lily’s son. Here before him, waiting, as he himself had done years earlier, to be sorted. Severus snorted, causing his colleagues to glance at him with curiosity before they went back to their conversations.

_Of course, unlike me, he’ll be a Gryffindor. The Hat would probably be replaced if it sorted The-Boy-Who-Lived into any other house but Gryffindor._

And then the boy looked up and met Severus’ eyes. And if felt, just for one moment, as if Lily was looking at him again. With all the child-like wonder that she had viewed him with in those early years.

 _He looks exactly like his arrogant father but he has Lily’s eyes. My gods, how am I ever going to teach the boy without wanting to punish him for being his father’s son?_ The boy looked away, and the moment was over.

A great hush fell over the Hall. Harry Potter stepped up to the stool and the Sorting Hat was placed on his head. There were no muttered conversations and covert wagers being placed between the professors now. There was only a collective silence, like the whole world was holding its breath as one person, waiting to see where Harry Potter would go.

 _And the damned old rag is taking its time about it too_ , thought Severus with more than a hint of malice; _it barely gave me the time of day when I put it on._ And then, the world released the breath it had been holding in one great sigh, Harry Potter took off the Hat and went to join his fellow Gryffindors.

 _As if there had ever been any doubt_ , and the sneer on Severus’ face grew, the boy will be like his father all over again. _Forget about what it will be like teaching him, how am I going to keep him from sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong? Like the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side_. And then the feast was over.

Severus finally allowed Dumbledore to catch his eye, “Like father like son, eh, Severus?”

“And you know what they say about fathers and sons don’t you, Albus? The sins of the father will pass to his son.”


	10. Favoritism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.

Severus had worked hard all year to make sure that his Slytherins would win the House Cup again. He had personally tutored the students that were falling behind in their classes, and he had never missed an opportunity to award points for a job well done. And yes, he was accused by the other professors of showing too much favoritism to his students, but they had had precious little of that ever since Dumbledore became the Headmaster.

And this year especially, since it was the first year of The-Boy-Who-Lived, Severus wanted to drive his point home: that regardless of who Harry Potter thought he was, he wasn’t any better than the other students in the school. Now it was time for Severus to reap the benefits of his hard work.

Slytherin had managed to end the year with four hundred and seventy-two points, and it had been a close battle with Ravenclaw. He would be able to hold this over Filius’ head for a while yet. But then Dumbledore began to speak. Severus’ eyes became narrower and the sneer on his face more pronounced as Dumbledore awarded more and more points to Gryffindor until they were tied with Slytherin.

And then, he did yet another thing that Severus would never be able to forgive him for: he awarded that incompetent nincompoop Longbottom ten points for standing up to his friends when he should have had the brains to warn his head of house before taking action.

_And my colleagues accuse me of favoritism? This is blatant favoritism at its worst. All I have tried to do was restore the pride of Slytherin House, and it has been taken from my charges once again. Will Dumbledore never learn his lesson?_


	11. Second Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.

_Damn and blast! Where did the boy and his worthless sidekick go? How could I have let him disappear like that?_

Severus raced down the halls towards the Infirmary, he was hoping against hope that the morons had decided to visit their bed-ridden friend for a final time instead of haring off to do something that could get them killed.

He finally reached the Infirmary and practically threw open the doors, but there was no sign of the Dense Duo. There was just Miss Granger, looking rather pathetic in her petrified state. He began to pace the Infirmary floor, knowing that he would not be able to follow to where they had gone.

“Soon, Miss Granger, the potion will be done soon, and then you can go back to bossing those two dunderheads around. Hopefully they’ll learn to keep their noses clean. But I’m asking too much of the son of James Potter, aren’t I? Of course, why shouldn’t he be held to different standards than the rest of the students?”

There were footsteps behind him, but he knew who it was without turning around. “I thought that you had been banned from the premises?”

“Once the governors heard that a student had been taken, I was bombarded with owls begging me to come back. And so I came.”

“But not in time to stop that stupid brat from running off to face certain death yet again.” Severus’ words sounded bitter and brittle even to him, “How am I supposed to keep the boy safe if you allow him to do these things?”

Dumbledore had the good grace to look slightly abashed, but only slightly. “How else is he going to learn, Severus? I have taken you into my confidence, you know the full contents of the prophecy and you know that he is the only one that can defeat Voldemort, should he ever rise again.”

Severus snorted, “And it only took you a decade to do it. I know your opinions, Dumbledore, and it’s high time that you know mine. Right now, as we speak, Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are in the Chamber of Secrets trying to rescue Weasley’s little sister. Do you know what is down there, Albus? I do, thanks to the diligent research of Miss Granger. A basilisk. How on Gaea’s green earth are they supposed to defend themselves? You’re right about one thing, the boy will never grow up to defeat Voldemort if he doesn’t survive and learn from the experience.”

Only now did Dumbledore look alarmed, “Why didn’t you tell me at once, Severus?!” And he dashed out of them room without saying a further word.

“Didn’t give me the opportunity, did you?”

With the knowledge that Dumbledore would somehow solve this problem (which happened to be partially of his own making), Severus turned back to contemplate the petrified bodies that currently inhabited the Infirmary.

“Soon.”


	12. Third Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Sirius Black! That traitor had been sneaking around Hogwarts all year trying to finish the job that his Master had begun twelve years prior.

_I always suspected Black of something, but there was never any proof until he betrayed Lily. But now I will have vengeance on at least one person responsible for what happened that night._

Severus kept his wand trained on Black while Lupin (another traitor that would have to be dealt with) kept his on Severus. The trio of morons stood by with looks of horror on their faces. _Good, they should be afraid. Black honed traits that any Death Eater would be proud to call his own._

And then the next thing Severus was aware of was three bright flashes of red light. And then he was aware of nothing.

* * *

 

His head ached like he had overindulged in Ogden’s Finest again. Where was Black? Where was Lupin? _Oh Circe, the children!_

Severus lurched to his feet, head pounding and eyes unfocused.

_Where? They must be close by….oh. MY. GODS. It’s a full moon! What was Granger thinking? I know that she knew, she understood what I was trying to tell her! WHERE ARE THEY?!_

He stumbled around, frantically looking for any sign of them. And then he found them by the edge of the lake. They were all unconscious and looked as if they had been dragged through every circle of hell from the bottom up. And that mongrel Black had managed to drag his sorry carcass over to the trio but it appeared that he had passed out from the strain. What had happened here?

* * *

 

After he had taken the children to the infirmary he took Black to a secure room. He wanted some time alone with him before the Minister showed up to take him away. He needed to pay for what he had done to Lily. “ _Ennervate_.”

Black’s eyes opened slowly and he shook his head a few times to get rid of the fog. Then his eyes narrowed once he saw Severus, “What do you want, Snivellus? Come to get your revenge for what James and I did to you in school? You greasy prat, let the past go, there’s more important things to be dealt with tonight!”

“For once, Black, you have the right of it. There are more important things to deal with tonight, the first of which is to answer this question for me: why did you betray the Potters? And look right into my eyes when you answer, I will know if you are lying.”

Black spat at Severus, “I would never betray James and Lily! It was that rat, Peter Pettrigrew who did it! James was like a brother to me, in fact he was closer than my own brother who turned out to be a Death Eater just like you!”

Severus drew back, _how is this possible? How could we not have known? But he could be lying. The Dark Lord could have taught him, the Blacks were always favored among his ranks._

But before Severus could further interrogate Black, the door opened to reveal the Minister for Magic.

“Ah, Professor Snape, keeping the criminal locked up tight, are we? A job well done I’d say, but it’s time for him to be fed to the dementors. Come and take a walk with me so that we can talk about your reward.”

This was a move that Severus had not expected, but who was he to turn down a reward when it was offered by the Minister himself? And if Black’s soul was going to be fed to the dementors, well…the truth would come out regardless of whether or not he would tell it. Severus would have justice, on either Black or Pettigrew. But Black would do for now.

* * *

 

“ESCAPED?! How could he escape?! This is Hogwarts, there were dementors guarding his room! He couldn’t just waltz out of here without being apprehended. Unless he had help?”

Severus’ eyes shone bright with anger, it would be like Dumbledore to let the man go without verifying the truth of what he said.

“I told you, Severus, I spoke with Sirius and determined that what he told you was the truth. Yes, I am aware of the fact that you were attempting to interrogate him when the Minister arrived and I don’t blame you. You, however, are quick to blame even when you have no evidence. Sirius is innocent and we will leave it at that for now. I am sorry that the one truly responsible got away, but according to Sybill it was bound to happen anyway.”

“You’re actually listening to that hack? We both know that she’s only made one good prophecy before in her life!”

“Yes, well, I’d say her record is improving as it is up by one.”

Dumbledore looked smug, as if he had known that that harebrained batty woman would prove true in the end.

“Will you at least allow me to search for Pettigrew this summer?”

“No, I have a feeling that he will resurface soon enough.”


	13. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

His eyes flew open to stare at nothing but blackness. And he became aware again of the pain burning in his left forearm. He grasped about for his wand and finding it he whispered, “ _Lumos,_ ” in a voice hoarse with pain.

It was getting darker. For the past thirteen years it had been a dull grey, and now it was getting darker. _Dumbledore, I need to tell Dumbledore_ , was the last thought in his head before he passed back into troubled sleep where he dreamed of dark skies and menacing laughter, his arm giving the occasional twinge the rest of the night.


	14. Fourth Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.

He was back. Severus had felt it when it had happened. It was something that he had been dreading all year and now it had finally happened.

_The boy, we must find the boy and keep him safe. For if the Dark Lord finds him tonight he is as good as dead!_

He made his way through the impatient spectators to Dumbledore who was looking more worried by the second. Severus reached him and leaned to whisper in his ear, “Albus, it’s happened, He’s back! We need to find Potter, now!”

Dumbledore nodded his head in agreement and they both set off towards the maze. But as they were going down, Severus felt the burning pain in his left arm.

“Albus,” he cried, and Dumbledore turned and saw that Severus was clutching his arm.

“You cannot go yet, Severus! You must stay for now. I am sorry, but our first priority is to find Harry. I will think of something later, but we need to find Harry!”

They reached the entrance of the maze and Severus, knowing that Dumbledore would stay outside and wait, rushed into the maze.

* * *

 

_Barty Crouch Jr.! How could I –how could Dumbledore miss this?_

The revelations that Crouch had given were horrific. He had been covertly helping Voldemort the entire year and because of this, the Potter boy had nearly died again tonight.

“Albus, what are we going to do? Crouch could have told Voldemort any number of our secrets by now!”

Dumbledore looked wearier and more drawn now than he had in a long time, “We can hope, Severus, that in his arrogance he shored up all his knowledge in an effort to reveal all in front of his fellows so that he might show them how loyal he was to his master. But for now I must see to Harry. Severus, would you be so kind as to meet me in the Infirmary in approximately half an hour? And will you bring your strongest Dreamless Sleep potion? I have the feeling that Harry will be wanting some before the night is over.”

* * *

 

_“Severus,” said Dumbledore, turning to Snape, “you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready…if you are prepared…”_

_“I am,” said Snape._


	15. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

_Ready? Prepared? One is never prepared to face a Dark Lord who has every intention of ripping through your mind like it was wrapping paper on Christmas Day! But I must be calm, we were prepared for this and I have memories to show him. I can make it through this, I CAN!_

“Severus, why did you not come when I called?”

“I was with Dumbledore, my Lord, and I was unable to leave his presence at the time because he wanted me to find the Potter boy. And later I could not leave because Dumbledore found Barty Crouch Jr. I am sorry, my Lord, but I was unable to prevent Dumbledore from questioning him, and I was unable to prevent the Minister from having the Kiss administered. Your loyal servant is dead.”

The Dark Lord was obviously not pleased with this news and Severus braced himself for the retaliation that would follow. “Your incompetence astounds me, Severus! I had hoped that in my absence you would have been able to present me with better news than this upon my resurrection. But this is what I hear? ‘Your most loyal servant is dead,’ ‘I was unable to leave.’ I had hoped for better, but you disappointed me. And you are aware of how Lord Voldemort punishes those who disappoint him?”

Severus’ face whitened and his lips thinned, “Yes, my Lord, I am aware,” and he braced himself for what he knew would follow.

“ _CRUCIO_ ,” screamed that high-pitched, menacing voice, but it was soon drowned out by the screams of Severus, and the Dark Lord looked on in pleasure.

“Perhaps you have something better to tell your Master, Severus? No? Then I suppose a few more minutes of this should help clear your head.”

_I must endure, I must endure. And when he is done I will tell him more, but for now, I must endure!_


	16. Game Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

_Did Dumbledore know that when I was recalled to the Dark Lord’s service that I would be forced to resume my role as a true Death Eater? He must have. And he must have decided that the benefits of such a thing far outweigh the consequences._

_Why else would I be standing here outside some Muggle’s house in the middle of nowhere? I am well aware that I am not expected to participate in this tonight, because it is the initiation for the new recruits. But what I must do is pretend to enjoy this sick spectacle while inside my stomach is trying to expel its meager contents._

_And even though I do not have to do something tonight, I will another night and another and another. And Dumbledore will calmly tell me to do it, save those that I can, but dispose of the rest. For the Greater Good._

_Either he is truly unaware of what it is that Death Eaters do (which is impossible considering he was around to see it start) or he wants to have plausible deniability (always a possibility with that man) or he just wishes to keep his hands clean of the whole mess (the probable answer)._

_Ah, it looks like the show is about to start, time to put my ‘game face’ on._


	17. Fifth Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

_Gods damn that woman and her ridiculous ‘Educational Decrees’ to the lowest circle of Hell! How could Dumbledore allow this to happen when he knows that I am ready and waiting to take the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts? He said the same thing this year that he has said all the previous years,_ “Maybe next year, Severus, but not this year.”

_Infuriating! And now she’s running around like she owns the whole bloody castle, right down to the first cornerstone! Inspect my class, will she? Tell me how to do my job, will she? Oh no, Madam Umbridge, you have met your match this time! I refuse to be bullied by so inadequate an adversary in my own classroom._

* * *

 

“Absolutely not, Albus! I cannot teach that boy Occlumency! Do you know what would happen if he decided to retaliate with something that I, while placing him under Legilimens, will be unable to counter and that he will see something that we both don’t want him to see?”

Severus was practically frothing at the mouth with anger, of all the unspeakable things that Dumbledore had foisted on him over the years (pink socks at Christmas, ‘You need to add a little color to your wardrobe, Severus,’ or the continued presence of Longbottom in his classroom) this had to be the feather that broke the hipogriff’s back!

“I have every confidence that you will take measures to prevent such a thing from happening, Severus, and I will even lend you my Pensieve as an extra precaution. Harry needs to learn Occlumency and I am unable to teach him, and I have told you my reasons why.”

Severus hung his head in defeat, “I know, Albus, I know. But what will I tell the Dark Lord? How am I to explain to him that I am teaching the boy Occlumency in an effort to shield him from the Dark Lord’s intrusions? How?”

“By telling him the truth I suspect; tell him that you will botch the job. You will make a half-hearted effort to teach Harry and as a consequence his mind will be even more open to Voldemort’s efforts.”

“Don’t say his name, Albus! You know what it does around someone who carries the Mark!”

Dumbledore looked taken aback, “My apologies, Severus, I had momentarily forgotten. It will not happen again.”

“I will attempt to teach the boy, but if he pushes to far, or proves incapable of learning, then I will be forced to hand him over to you. I cannot risk him seeing something that could be seen by the Dark Lord.”

“Of course, Severus, your safety is just as important as Harry’s to me.”

Severus nodded in agreement but couldn’t help the bitter thought that raced unchecked through his mind, _but for completely different reasons Albus. I am useless to you if I am dead, you don’t actually care whether I live or die. And so it has always been._

* * *

 

_He found it! He managed to find the one memory that I had taken such great pains to hide from him! Damn that boy and his curiosity, and damn his incurable need to sympathize with the underdog! I could see it in his eyes when I confronted him about what he’d seen. He pities me!_

_And I would rather have his hate than his pity. I would rather have mounds of scorn heaped upon my head than be pitied by the son of the man I hate! But it is done, and I must report this to Dumbledore, the Dark Lord at least will be glad of this development._

* * *

 

“By the gods, Albus, are you truly incapable of controlling the boy? Do you know how close he came to dying tonight? Of course you do, you just don’t care! The only thing that you are concerned about is the fact that your theory proved correct!”

“Calm down, Severus, it is not as bad as all that.”

“Yes, on that count I am sure you are right. That mongrel, Black, is dead, let us all rejoice.” Severus managed to inject that last part with enough venom to make Dumbledore flinch.

“And what will you tell the boy, Albus? Will you tell him that it was your fault that Black died, that you are at fault because you kept the boy at arm’s length all year? Or will you tell him the truth? Will you tell him that his emotions blinded him to the trap and that he, in his haste to play the hero, rushed off without giving me the opportunity to find the truth?

“You have done a poor job of convincing him that as a member of the Order I should be trusted enough to do that at least. As a result of his stupidity we lost another fighter. I may not have liked Black but I am capable of acknowledging that he was decent with a wand and quick to hex.”

The expression on Dumbledore’s face grew graver as he considered Severus’ words. “No, I will tell him no such thing, Severus, and neither will you. He has enough on his plate for now, and truthfully, I believe that I am more at fault than he.”

_Of course you are you foolish old man. You are blinded by your favoritism and you leave the rest of us out to hang because of it. It will be the death of you someday._


	18. Summer, Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

He was still in shock after Bellatrix and Narcissa left.

_The Unbreakable Vow! Not even Dumbledore had required that from me, but Narcissa’s need to coddle Draco and Bellatrix’s lust for my death has now forced me into something that may very well doom us all! I must speak with Albus now!_

“Wormtail, Wormtail! Where are you, you little rodent?”

“I am here, Severus, and well you know it!”

“I’m going out, Wormtail; you are not to leave this house while I am gone, nor are you to touch anything that doesn’t belong to you. I will know if you break either of these rules, understood?”

Severus Apparated to Hogsmeade village, Dumbledore kept extending the wards of Hogwarts further and further every day and soon the protection would probably extend over the entire village. _The old man will wear himself down doing things like this._

Severus made his way through the village and across the castle grounds until he found himself before the guardians of Dumbledore’s office once again. The gargoyles sprang apart and Severus ascended the now familiar steps.

He began talking before he even reached Dumbledore’s desk, “Albus, I have very bad news for yo—”

Severus’ voice was cut off by a groan of pain from the figure lying across the desk.

“By the gods, Albus, what have you done?!”


	19. Sixth Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

_“After you have killed me, Severus— ”_

_“You refuse to tell me everything, yet you expect that small service of me!” snarled Snape, and real anger flared in the thin face now._

_“You take a great deal for granted Dumbledore! Perhaps I have changed my mind!”_

“Really, Severus? I’m touched, truly. I had thought that you would have been panting for the opportunity after that promise you made years ago. And after your initial agreement to the plan I thought that…well, I thought that your feelings hadn’t changed. Was I wrong?”

Severus’ shoulders slumped, “Damn you, you know you were. You are the closest thing to a friend that I have had for over twenty years, of course I changed my mind. I no longer hold you responsible for what happened that night, instead my rage is focused entirely upon myself. I do not look to survive this war, but I had hoped to die with at least a shred of my tattered soul intact. And you would take even that away from me. I suppose that it is the best that one such as I could hope for.”


	20. Tower of Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.

Severus stood amongst the people that thought he was one of them and looked at the man who, at that moment, was waiting to die. _If for nothing else, I want to kill him for placing me in this situation!_

_“Severus…please…”_

‘Please?’ _That’s all he can say? He has just damned my soul with one word and he doesn’t even have the decency to look ashamed! I hate you Dumbledore. In this moment I hate you and it is possible that I may never forgive you for what you are forcing me to do. Thank you for that at least because I doubt I would have been able to power this curse without a little ‘encouragement.’_

_“Avada Kedavra.”_

Severus watched as Dumbledore’s body flew over the battlements, filled with the knowledge that he had just killed the only man in the world who had ever had a kind thought about him. It was almost enough to make him break down right there, but there was a mission to complete. He had to get Draco out of Hogwarts and he had to report to the Dark Lord what he had done this night.


	21. Seventh Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine.

So far everything had gone according to Dumbledore’s plans. Severus was installed as the new Headmaster of Hogwarts and the new regime under Voldemort had begun. Severus originally had no love of teaching (many of the students that he had taught in those early years were aware of who he was and what he had been called while he was at school and establishing his authority over them had been nearly impossible to do) but he had come to appreciate it.

There was something incredibly satisfying in molding the minds of students in the hope that they might go on to do great things because of him. But what the Dark Lord had done to Hogwarts…that alone was enough to give Severus a burning desire to kill him. He had perverted the institution into something unrecognizable.

Children were taught that Muggles were evil, and that they would kill all the wizards and witches in the world if they were given half a chance. They were taught that Muggleborns were trying to usurp the pureblood’s place in the world, and so they deserved to be killed, or made into sterile slaves so that they might see the glory of their masters reborn.

It was disgusting. And disheartening. His Slytherins, the children that he had devoted his life to, were turning so easily with little regard as to what the outcome might possibly be.

_How do I fight this, Dumbledore? You told me to protect the students to the best of my ability, and I have managed to protect their bodies, but what about their minds? What use will saving the wizarding world be if it is to be populated by children such as these? I don’t know. I don’t know._


	22. Bottom of the Ninth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.

He’d had the feeling for a while, the one that said the end was coming closer and closer.

 _But this_ , thought Severus as he flew away from the castle, t _his is definitive proof that the end is coming. I will have to come back soon. I must make sure the children are safely evacuated. I had hoped that it would not take place here, at Hogwarts, but I know that most of the hopes I had about this war have been dashed to dust._

He stopped outside Hogsmeade; he wanted to be close enough to the castle that he could rush back if need be and defend the children. But then he felt his Mark flare up and he knew that the Dark Lord had been called and he knew that there would be no going back now because the first person the Dark Lord would want to see upon his arrival would be him, and he dreaded the meeting more than he had any other.

“I must wait as patiently as I can; the end is near, I can feel it.”

And soon enough, he felt the summons. It was personal, meant only for him. Severus also knew that the Dark Lord was close by, within walking distance. And so, he began to walk. He turned down the familiar streets, ones that he had seen for over twenty years, and he remembered what they had been like before…

All too soon he reached his destination.

_How ironic, he chose the Shrieking Shack. I suppose it is only appropriate considering…_

_Lily…I’ll be seeing you soon. What was that phrase you told me once? The one you picked up from the telly? Ah yes…I am a ‘dead man walking.’_


	23. Finis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still not mine. 
> 
> Author's Note: And now we come to the end of this fic/series! I hope you've enjoyed the emotional roller coaster. You will find your exit somewhere to your left.

The boy’s face was out of focus but he could tell that it was there. _Those eyes, Lily’s eyes, I have to see them one more time…_

_“Look…at…me…”_

_Lily._


End file.
